someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
