I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
