Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
