I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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