Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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