Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Someone signed my nipple.
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