I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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