Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
