im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
