With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
