I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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