I have demons in me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just googled if crying burns calories
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
