Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
