I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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