I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I need moral support for this bender
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
