the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
