the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
