My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
