He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He felt like a one man threesome
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
