Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
