I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She even gives head with a lisp.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just had sex on a roof
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
