You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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