You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
