Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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