It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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