I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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