before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
