my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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