no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
