i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
