I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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