We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish you could order shots online.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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