Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
