I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
