Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
