Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
