Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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