So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
