Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You dont lie about slip and slides
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
