At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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