Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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