I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
