Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
