There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
