mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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