My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
