I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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