Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
