You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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