can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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