I'm so fucking centered right now
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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