She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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