i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
