so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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