Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
