walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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