you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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