I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
