I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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