Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
