He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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