guys are not supposed to queef...right?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
