My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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